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The Arizona Republic
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<font size=5>The Arizona Republic <br>
</font><font size=3><i>Sept. 11, 1999 <br>
</i>Like me, no doubt you were heartbroken to discover 9/9/99 didn't
cause worldwide Armageddon. Call me an optimist, but I was rooting for a
few errant nuclear warheads, a total telephonic meltdown at US West, or,
at the very least, a blackout of all the 1999 Arizona Cardinals road
games. <br>
No such luck. The sole 9/9/99-themed ray of light all Thursday came from
Canberra, Australia. There, about 50 rioters -- hoping to reprise the
famous Burmese uprising of 8/8/88 -- stormed Myanmar's embassy. Sadly,
the protest was put down immediately by MPs shielded by surplus copies of
Joe Arpaio's autobiography, <i>America's Toughest Sheriff</i>. <br>
Speaking of horror stories, the 9/9/99 fizzle leaves us with a last shot
at universal chaos: the big enchilada, Y2K itself. <br>
Personally, having listened to predictions of doom for months, I'm
looking forward to 1/1/00, though clearly not as much as Jim Lord, author
of <i>A Survival Guide for the Year 2000 Problem</i>. <br>
How're they ringing in New Year's over at Jimbo's? <br>
"There are National Guard troops at every corner and you can hear
sirens all over town," he writes. "There is smoke in the
distance and that noise sounds like gunfire. Even the traffic lights are
on the blink. Has everyone gone crazy? <br>
"No -- just the computers. It's Y2K, the 'Millennium Time
Bomb.'" <br>
</font><font size=4><b>Rewind your life <br>
</font></b><font size=3>Tick-freakin'-tock. Or at least let's hope so. A
computer-free world wouldn't be all bad, is what I'm saying. <br>
First off, there'd be no Internet. I know it's become an important facet
of the culture, because it gives you a chance to access nude photos of
Pamela Anderson Lee morning, noon and night, but I'm about surfed out.
<br>
Better yet, no Net means no more e-mail. Man, how I long for the days
when people had to commit stupid thoughts to paper, then spend actual
money to mail them to you. Now, I spend an hour a day writing back to
guys named SpankMe-DoodleDandy and HezDaLuv-Bomb, who always want to know
why "ur colum sux so much?" <br>
Tuf 2 say, u know? Maybe cuz I'm so dum? <br>
Communication improvements aside, Y2K also sounds like a real money
saver, if some items on the <i>New York Times</i> checklist of potential
disasters actually come true. <br>
"Your telephone service is terminated because of errors in date
calculations." Cha-ching, I'm a hundred bucks to the good. Come on,
Mom, what do you mean you didn't get the e-mail? <br>
"Your department store rejects your credit card because your payment
is 100 years overdue." No. 1, that's an improvement, because most of
my payments are 105 years overdue. No. 2, I looked fat in the bright
orange Tommy Hilfiger tank top anyway. <br>
"Your bank's automated teller swallows your card, thinking it has
expired." And I hope it chokes, along with the bank manager who
invented the $3 fee for "foreign ATM transactions." <br>
</font><font size=4><b>Two-timing Y2K <br>
</font></b><font size=3>You want more good news? How about a few extra
days to catch those college football bowl games that now last until
February? There's a chance, albeit slim: <br>
"Building security systems fail," reads <i>Times'</i>
possibility No. 13, "refusing to read coded cards or keys."
<br>
Hey, you were there, you swiped the card, the door didn't open. What are
they going to do, call you at home? <br>
The phone's dead, remember? <br>
So there you are, alone at last, with a pocketful of cash and plenty of
leisure time on your hands. You, my friend, can watch live repeats of
Dick Clark's New Year's Rockin' Doomsday Eve. <br>
Which means you won't have to worry <i>Times'</i> item No. 9: <br>
"Your home VCR fails to record a show because it mistakes the
year." <br>
Not at my house it won't, bucko. Maybe 9/9/99 turned out to be a hoax,
but I'm still busy writing the <i>David Leibowitz Survival Guide to
Y2K</i>. Page 1: <br>
"Turn up the volume on the TV. That should drown out the sirens and
the National Guard gunfire." <br>
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